| wow, life throws curveballs. |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|07:26 am] |
WELL TODAY WAS AMAZING BY THE END OF THE DAY. WELL I AM SITTING HERE TALKING TO MY FRIEND FROM CAMP, CARRIE...AND WELL EVERYTHING IS MAKING SENSE. LIKE WHY I AM SO UPSET, AND VONERABLE AND JUST SO LOST. I KNOW WHY. its because, i love you. i have realized that it is affecting me not being with you. you are a part of my life. and i dont want that to change. and that you mean more to me than i can easily put into words.
OVER the past few days i have become so irritable and aggrivated by everything and i have felt somewhat out of place. on the phone tonight i realized, the longest i have gone without talking to you has seriously been probly 36 hours...and like i havent really talked to you in like 3 maybe 4 days. and that may seem stupid or very little, but like growing used to hearing your voice so often and just talking to you and hearing your thoughts and about your day became a part of my every day life. and i miss that extremely. i miss your little sarcastic jokes, and making fun of people and picking out what we should wear (yea, we were lame...) and just like knowing whats going on with you. and now not knowing whats going on and like the little details is hard. i mean its rediculous, i think about you before i go to bed, i dream about you, and then i think abot you when i wake up. and i feel like right now i need to let go alittle. its very hard for me to just try and take a step back. because i dont want to. i dont want to let go of you or lose you...and i hate being away from you.
our relationship was so weird. i mean i was so close to you. i mean i very much grew dependent. and now i have to be alone in a sense and its very hard learning how to be in certain situations now that things are changing. i love you. and thats not gonna change. i havent told you that in a while. i guess i have been afraid, because of what happened the last time i told you. but i love you. and i miss you.
i hope you still want me to come and visit you. i mean you said to me everytime we hung out and even at your going away party that i had to come and visit you soon. i want to. and i cant wait. i think i have the time when i can go/ will go planned out arlready too.
but i should not leave the state of michigan. please tell me.
~prince. |
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| wow. wtf now. |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|07:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something corprate "Konstantine" | ] |
dude. honestly. wow. lifes fucking crazy.
i havent written in this bitch for a while. and well im unsure why. i mean this little way of expressing myself to my friends is kind of nice.
RECENTLY, for a little update, well. my life has been alittle crazy. i have come into contact again with so many different people. its quite odd. and on a weirder note, there all girls, who i have had some sort of relationship with. its really wierd. i am not trying to get into a relationship right now on any level and i am definately not trying to fill the shoes of the person who has just departed from my life physically. (i mean cause those are some mighty shoes to fill...i want to see someone try, itll be interesting.) but its really, really weird..like ive hung out with all of these people too. and like..have you ever hung out with someone after being away from them for so long, and your previous relationship wasnt really just "friends", and being with them again you have NOT A DAMN feeling of attraction to them at all. it was really interesting. like i mean the last time i saw these persons, like i had some strong feelings for them and now its a...NOTHING. hahahaha. like it made me laugh. ALSO i fucking have to house sit again. WTF. my mom told her friend that i would be more than happy to watch her fucking two dogs and two cats again along with her house! wtf. yea ok there goes my weekend. im so pissed about it. i had plans tonight and well they didnt happen partly because i had to house sit. oh well, i just better get paid like i did last time. LASTLY, i along with zmud, rachel abraham, jlh and brittney perkins have talked about HSM in great detail recently. now, for those of you who are uninformed..HSM means HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. and well to many peoples DISAPPOINTMENT we are doing HSM in the winter. and i am happy with the decision. but i have reached a roadblock...CAPA HAS RUN OUT OF TALENT...kind of...except a few people...but none the less...the numbers are getting fewer. i mean ok we all know who MICHAEL HOOL and TAYLOR will be...but what about the rest of the show. who the fuck will get what? like itll be fun to do. cause its just crazy. but...im scared of the casting. EH.
TODAY was crazy. alright well i was watching MADE. and it was the BALLET one. and i was like YES, cause i wanted to see this one since it came out but have never caught it. well today i did. and well that guy gave a good and bad name to dancers. because yes bitches, dancing is that hard. you can not and will not learn how to do it and look good or even decent in 30 days. im sorry. like i mean i may be alone on this but i dont even think that guy looked that good. i mean dancing is some hard shit. why do you think most girls that are good, start out at the age of 5 or lower. BECAUSE it takes years of training. and you have to develope the body and muscles. thats why teachers perfer, and now it is a must, to start young so they can form your body. like it was great watching it. the guy did an amazing job for the time limit and where he was and what he did. but like i mean idk...maybe its because i dance. eh, w.e.
Ive had some great phone conversations lately. i am quite happy. i have noticed a growing relationship between myself and the cuteness. shes really an amazing little girl. weve talked about our lives...and well that lil one has been through alot. AND shes a damn good listener. i mean well we talked about this ONE subject for seriously an hour, and then she lets me go on and on about it...all the time. ahaha. shes very nice....today was weird i also had a very awkward conversation with someone too. i wasnt sure what the fuck to say. like i mean idk, there was one topic in perticular and i was like...HA, HA, HA...EH..., like im not sure about alot of things anymore.i dont think you realize what you are saying, to whom, the time frame...like, it you want to get rid the situation just say it. because this kind of hurt. like ive never heard you like this. so im not sure waht it is.
ok well, this portion is for eden, if she reads this anymore...well really its just for me to gush, but w.e. ALRIGHT, well while talking to my cuteness the other day...i realized how much i miss you. it was funny i mean we were just talking about choralation and it turned to you and your party and what not. i was like wow, it will be weird walking the halls and not seeing all of them and you. ... i miss you.
1~luv. ( <- kennay understands)
~the dancer formerly known as...HAHAHA IM JUST JOSHING YA ...PRINCE! |
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| well...ummm.... |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|11:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | GLADWIN MICHIGAN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | PRINCE/ PRINCESS CD! | ] |
WELL LEMME SEE...where the hell do i begin. i am up north. yea i am up north wtf. idk where it came from i found out like yesterday that i was leaving. i dont wanna be up north right now. at all. but oh well.
WELL TODAY ON THE CAR RIDE UP HERE was amazing. idk why. but i got this AMAZING cd, from this girl and idk its weird cause its all i have listened to for the past like idk 48 hrs. and like today i just like laid in the car and went into my own world. it was great.
<3
but i mean idk. not much is new. BUT THE OTHER DAY IT WAS GREAT. I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH EDEN! AND WELL WE WENT FOR A WALK AND WE FOUND THIS TREE HOUSE AND WE CLIMBED UP INTO IT AND JUST CHILLAXED AND LOOKED AT NATURE...WELL I WASNT REALLY PAYING THAT CLOSE OF ATTENTION TO THE TREES...I MEAN IDK..TREES WILL STILL BE HERE IN TWO WEEKS. BUT IT WAS GREAT. AND WE JUST SAT UP THERE AND TALKED AND LAUGHED AND HAD FUN...GOLLEY, IM GONNA MISS HER. <3.
well, tomarrow is a long day. i get to drive to manistee...lucky me! eh.
~prince. |
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| wow...maybe adults know something... |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|05:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NORAH JONES: DONT KNOW WHY | ] |
WELL...today...interesting...
while house-sitting my madres friends house, i was looking at there cd's and i found NORAH JONES...and like i havent listened to her cd since METRO (DANCE) and like so i grabbed it and put it into my headphones...and went outside. and i completely vibed out. like i was like just released from like some invisible harness. like i was on there back deck and i started dancing. and it was coming so easily and like just flowing out of me and then i realized what it was i was doing...I WAS FUCKING DOING THE PLIE COMBINATIONS FROM METRO IN LYRICAL...like in those last monthes of being there that was the one place i just let everything out and like it was so weird cause we always used this cd and like just by putting it on i started doing it. two years later. wow...muscle memory.
but while listening to that cd. i got really chill. and relaxed and like cleared my head about alot. and got alot out. and i feel better now then before not good, no where near great...but im feeling better.
after watching something today...i was thinking...about life and everything and it seems we only really learn and grow when we have no walls up around us and are defenseless. Is the keey to success vonerablity? in dance i know they say to let go all the time, dont worry about how you look or how stupid you think it is. let go and just do it and like thats scarey for some. being in a class with your friends and being told to not worry about what you think they'll think and let go. common thats asking alot right?...well it is but it shouldnt be. why the hell should we care what others think. i mean you always have an image you want to portray but if some ignorant bastartd cant understand it...its there fault. not yours. and letting go in class and releasing shouldnt be so scarey..if your friends are really your friends then what are they gonna disown you because they think you looked stupid doing something. chances are they dont know what the hell there talking about anyways in this situation.
thats the hardest thing. getting out of "the box". nowadays it seems to succeed because life is getting more competitive and people are getting better at there skills. you have to be "out of the box" to "win" but idk.
it also feels so much better when you just release too. i mean for me it does. when i dont have barriers up and dont have walls. i feel so much more in touch with a person. like im not trying to hide myself and who i am. but that is really hard....because by being vonerable your allowing yourself to take the chance of getting hurt...
ah what the hell...this probly just like made no sense but i get it! : D
~prince. |
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| ..will you remember... |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|04:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Me'Shell NDegeocello: Bitter | ] |
well lately. i dont know what to think, believe or do. like everything is different and i feel like its a whirl-wind, and i am just standing in the center looking out. i mean i dont know if im allowing my life to spin out of control or even if i have a way of changing whats goin on.
like how much of a difference would it make if i were to just speak up and YELL NO!, WAIT!, STOP!, I DONT WANT THIS! like i mean would it honestly change. would i feel better.. that saying "instead of pointing out the problem, how about pointing out the remedy." comes to mind recently...BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THE REMEDY. like i want to know. i want to know what it takes to change my life back to how it was. like to where i had a damn clue what was goin on and had some influence in it, because it doesnt feel like it.
i mean i have control over one thing and its the one thing recently i have: dancing. but like i mean right now i need some stability. like i need something to stand on. and i cant find it. like everthings CHANGING and im unsure if its for the good or the bad. like i blink and BAM there goes another thing. like right now i am losing alot, and im looking for what im gaining. like lifes weird right now. and i feel like im starting to get bitter about things and like i am just getting an attitude for no reason and like i have nothing to say to some people and others i have so much to say, but it wont come out. like its when you dry heeve, gross way of putting it, like i mean theres intentions behind it but nothing fucking comes out. like and theres one specific person who i really want so say so many things to, but as soon as i just get ready too or open my mouth its like my head falls backwards and rolls on to the floor and i am just like AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i dont know why like i have no problem telling this person anything but like idk its like im not MYSELF. or who i felt i was or who i feel i am. like am i changing? am i trying to change sub-consiously...i dont think so. maybe thats why everything is so werid and changing so fast for me. maybe i am different than who i used to be. i mean i definately will not be the same anymore in many aspects but my general personality still feels the same. i mean idk i think about my being a smart ass. and i dont know like sometimes i joke about serious things to try and make them less serious or sad or anything. like i usually joke when i really care or love something or somebody. like i wouldnt spend my time if anybody elses on you if i didnt love you. and i mean ive joked alittle bit recently well not really joked just been a dumbass and like its not the same feeling. am i growing up. ive grown alot in the past three monthes and like idk what this is. because i was well "myself", or what i knew i was or how i was, then but recently...i just feel lost. like im in someone elses world or body and like im living how they would or should. and thats not me. i dont live for others. i do whatever the hell i want. but then why cant i fix this. i mean i have a serious problem with wanting to fix everything and help when i can and trying to please alot of ppl. but like this i cant fix. this is me. and having to stop and examine myself is the hardest thing in the world. having to take a step back and look at myself and try and figure out wants wrong. how do i do that. i mean because then i feel like im doubting my whole self. like im unsure of everything. and ive been unsure of many things in my life..but..this like is scarey.
like and then YOU. damn it YOU kill me. like seriously. why the hell can i not think about you. like its crazy. like i sit there, today for example, house sitting, and why is it the one thing i cant just escape listening to music and watching tv is YOU. like i cant figure out why the hell you are the one person always on my mind. and not saying im trying to escape you but seriously i feel crazy. eH. idk, maybe its because i miss you. and i know your leaving in two weeks and ill probly only see you one more time (wednesday) while your here, and like idk thats kinda scarey to me..that i wont see you again after that until i come and visit you. EH. damn it...i miss you already.
On a weird note, the today i woke up...in my room and i swear to god. that like i was at camp. like it was weird. and all like the thoughts i had when i was there about EVERYTHING just hit me. like i ran into a wall. like i swear to god that i rolled out of bed and nik was lying there on his bed and i had to get his lazy mexican ass up to go to breakfast and right when i reached down to get a hoodie..I WAS LIKE WHOA..and took a step back. idk if it was because i was waking up really early or waht but it was really scarey..because my room looks nothing like my dorm at hope. like i dont know if its because i miss those guys so much or like because im trying to find a comfort zone or what but i definately was wigged out.
always
~prince. |
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| ...::deep sigh::.... |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|07:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | FUEL: "BAD DAY" | ] |
WELL today, well was pretty good.
ALRIGHT WELL WHO HAS BEEN TO IKEA?!? ANYONE. BECAUSE HOLY SHIT! AHAHAHAHA IT WAS LIKE ...cRaZy...OK WELL FIRST OF ALL TO ALL THOSE WHO DONT KNOW YET WE CALL IT "THE KEA" JUST BECAUSE. YEPP. AND THIS PLACE..OH MAN..WHERE THE FUCK ELSE IN CANTON CAN YOU GO WHERE YOU NEED A MAP FOR THE ONE STORE LIKE AND EVERYTHING THERE, OR AS FAR AS I COULD TELL, WAS ONE BRAND SO IT WASNT LIKE GOIN TO LIKE A CLOTHING STORE...IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY. THEY HAD LITTLE TUNNELS, TRAP DOORS, SECRET PATHS...I WOULDA HAD A TRAIL OF BREAD CRUMBS BUT THERE WAS THIS FAT KID BEHIND ME WHO WOULDA KEPT EATING THEM.
BUT OK THIS PLACE WAS MADE TO MAKE PPL CRAZY. OK. I WISH IT WAS AROUND WHEN I WAS YOUNGER THOUGH..OK..COMMON...THIS PLACE WAS MADE FOR LITTLE KIDS FOR LIKE 1 REASON THAT I CAN THINK OF NOW.
1) HIDE AND SEEK!: ALRIGHT COMMON THIS PLACE WAS GREAT. YOU COULDA HID ON THE END OF AN ISLE AND NO ONE WOULD FIND YOU. YOU BE LIKE "HEY DUMBASS IM RIGHT HERE"
AND THEN I WENT TO RED ROBIN TO VISIT EDEN! but she wasnt there...common...hahaha j.p. it was ok though. arg. i miss her. |
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| ....a state of nirvana... |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|07:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | evanescence | ] |
WELL TODAY...LEMME TELL YA...I dont know what it was but today felt amazing. like it was just, like ;alsehgo;eaigheoaig. I seriously like just i dont know...im like at a loss for words its that good. WTF. ahahahahaha
but right now...im kinda sleepy and i need to go choreograph something for TORI and I because she doesnt know it yet but next year were dancing together. : P
today was good.
~prince. |
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| this is to YOU |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|06:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | VINNIE ROBERTS: "SLEEPING TO DREAM" | ] |
...NOW AFTER READING WHAT I JUST WROTE I HAD ONE MORE THING TO SAY...NOW YOU SHOULDNT BE AFFRAID THAT I WONT TALK TO YOU NEXT YEAR AT ALL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT AND OF THAT NATURE BECAUSE...
IN THE PAST 6 MONTHES YOU HAVE PUSHED ME AWAY SO MUCH AT CERTAIN TIMES, STILL TO PULL ME BACK IN...BUT ALSO PUSHED ME AWAY...AND...AND...AND..... I AM STILL HERE! GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR....I AM STILL HERE FOR YA, AND WILL BE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. SO YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY. BECAUSE I MEAN WHEN YOU PUSH ME AWAY, IM STILL THERE.COMMON, WHEN YOU DONT DO YOU THINK IM JUST GONNA DISAPPEAR. I MEAN COMMON YOUR LIKE MY BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT YOU.
~ILL MISS YOU.
~PRINCE..WHO IS SOON TO BE CHARMING |
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| Have you EVER realized, people PUSH you AWAY when they NEED you MOST... |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|06:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | VINNIE ROBERTS: "SLEEPING TO DREAM" | ] |
WELL, today, like any other i spent a great deal of it pondering...yea hard to believe...a pretty boy like me..thinking. WTF is the world coming too. BUT...no. If you honestly think about most fights you have...they all come down to YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE BEING AFRAID YOU ARE/ ARE GOIN TO/ OR DID LOSE SOMEONE. no isnt that ironic. every fight i have had in the past few monthes, well up until i tried to make siera shit her brains out...because i truely dislike her, could be boiled down to me or someone being affraid of losing me. and i know that sounds really shallow but its true. and im not talking about eden right now im talking about everyone and everything.
ALMOST ALL FIGHTS CAN BE SIMPLIFIED TO BEING AFRAID THAT SOMEONE WILL BE LOST. NOT ALWAYS IN A PHYSICAL SENSE. BUT IN A MEANING OF THEY WONT BE AROUND IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE.
EXAMPLE: ON "BOY MEETS WORLD" (AND YES IM FUCKING USING A TV SHOW FOR A REFERENCE, BUT A DAMN GOOD TV SHOW!) COREY AND SHAWN ALWAYS FOUGHT ABOUT THE SAME ISSUE. WHEN THEY FOUGHT, IT WAS ALWAYS BECAUSE SHAWN WAS AFFRAID THAT COREY WOULD GROW UP AND LEAVE HIM AND COME TO SOME SILLY CONCLUSION THAT HE WAS BETTER THAN SHAWN, EITHER BECAUSE HE WOULD SUCCEED OR BECAUSE OF THERE BACKGROUNDS. BUT COREY SAW SHAWN AND HIS BEST FRIEND WHO HE ADMIRED AND ASPIRED TO BE LIKE AND WOULD NEVER LEAVE HIS SIDE.
SHAWN WAS AFFRAID TO LOOSE HIS BEST FRIEND THROUGHT OUT THE SERIES AND THEREFORE TRIED TO PUSH HIM AWAY. BUT COREY UNAWARE OF THE BIG PICTURE STUCK BY HIS SIDE ALWAYS AND THEY WERE FRIENDS.
Ya see people. like most fights are like that. over friends, over everything. Because we naturally hold on to things. wow. idk.
SO THERES THIS GIRL OK...AND HER NAME IS EDEN...AND I REALLY LIKE HER...BUT SHE DOESNT KNOW...OK...ITS A SECRET... : )
DONT TELL ANYONE...
~HER PRINCE |
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| how is it...you still make me SMILE... |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|04:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | enthralled | ] |
| [ | music |
| | BLINK 182: "I MISS YOU" | ] |
................... :P ..............................
well...today i got my senior pictures. While flirting with me obviously in front of my mother the photographer and the assistant noticed my necklace around my neck...AND BOTH WERE SO QUICK TO SAY "OH MY GOD THATS SUCH A CUTE NECKLACE, THATS SO COOL. OMG I LOVE THAT NECKLACE. WOW THATS SO NICE" so i glanced down at it and chuckled under my breath and said silently to myself...OMG...WTF are the chances of the first thing these two women complement me on is this...necklace.
At dance today, I am talking to little gabby everson and i grab her phone to use it...and i look down flip it open...flip it shut...and then go WTF...when did you get this.."oh its my new phone i just got it"...NOW COMMON...what in the hell are the chances..that the new phone lil gabby gets IS THE EXACT SAME PHONE YOU HAVE. i was just like you have to got be kidding me. SERIOUSLY.
BUT IN THE END I JUST CHUCKLE..LOOK DOWN..SMILE..AND SAY: DAMN, I MISS YOU.
<3..... :P |
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| ...damn this organ they call a heart. |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|04:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | LEAH ANDREONE: "LAMENTATION" | ] |
is it bad...that i feel this way...is it bad that the one thing that is always with me, is the necklace..that you gave me...is it bad that i have yet to take it off for i dont know how long...is it bad...is it bad that i still have these feelings for you...is it bad that all i tink about is you...is it bad that i only want to dance and be with you right now...is it bad that i wish that our relationship was different...
today...i learned that lifes a fucking bitch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|04:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blink 182: i miss you | ] |
ok...in the last entry i know i misspelled "scope" and "the"...gggrrrrrrrr...hehehehe....WHOA BUDDY |
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| ...im sorry i cant be perfect... |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|04:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | AAR: swing, swing...paper heart | ] |
well...ok...i thought that i was upset. i thought "oh i dont want to talk to you at all" , "how the hell could i ever be in your presence again, and beable to look you in hte eye" ....i started to try and distance myself from you and not like you...and then i sat back and looked aroundand realized that...I COULD NEVER DO THAT...i cant be mad at you, i cant write you off from my life, i cant just say WTF and not talk to you or try to avoid you. Even though i may have gotten upset or be upset about the situations and mistakes and things that have happened in the past week...how i see you...in my heart...is...still...a princess. I still see you as the best thing to happen to my life this year...and in the past few yrs. i still want to just be around you...and i realized...that just being with you...is something that is indescribable. i also realized that even when we fight...it just makes me become more enfatuated and drawn into you...(and lemme tell you that was some pretty damn deep thinking moments for about 4:30 in the morn!)
TODAY...i woke up, picked up your picture, and set in up ( so i was able to see it ) and just stopped to look at it...and i realized that although things will never be the same again between us..i still have you ( not in a sense that you are an object for me to obtain ), i will still be able to be there, maybe not as i want to be, but ill still be able to be a part of your life...it maybe harder to fit in, and just be there for you and may be awkward at times...but i am willing to try and attempt..because with you...the word happiness is redefined. and i dont want to loose that at all. so if it means i have to go to the mall with you in 6 monthes cause thats when it stops being awkward and help you scoop out guys...ILL BE THERE...i may have a nice smug girn on my face...but ill know, that for some time...you were MINE...and embrace that..because i know it is MY fault that this is ending..and even though it is a sad and unfortionate ending...its reality and what happened. and i am trying to deal with it. I sat there in class and basicly was trying to get you out of my mind...to focus...and yet again YOUR STUCK THERE...wtf...hahaha but a good wtf...hahahaha like i sat there and laughed...because this teacher (peter) ...said gentlemen i have loved 100000 women and most of them were on stage and i was like well i love this one women....and damnit...she is amazing. So i danced the rest of the class with a smile on my face...It was one of hte best damn classes in my entire two weeks of being here.
..::speechless::..
~prince..in training..(what can i say, why do you think i do ballet...they train me to be a prince not only on stage but in real fucking life.. : D ) |
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| I Just Keep Moving, Because It Helps To Ease The Pain. |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|10:17 pm] |
Well... I started this damn thing for someone else, and i was goin to be and am being completely honest in every entry, because when you lie...well it FUCKS your life up.
well in the past few days...i have been an emotional reck...i have snapped and yelled and just been a general ass hole to a good amount of kids i barely know...but hey i told them percisely DONT FUCK WITH ME today! and i guess they dont understand english because i know for damn sure i made myself clear. and well now i realize that that was mean and irrational of me because although i had warned them, they had NO FUCKING IDEA what i am goin through right now... so I am sorry for it... But i also would probly be dead in my room hanging by a fucking piece of twinene, if i were alone right now. my friends here are like no other..dont get me wrong i truely love and value all of my friends at home but i truely have a entirely different relationship with all of my friends at camp..or in the dance world..Within walking in my friend NIK was able to tell there was something goin on and he and i talked about it and he tried to empathize with me and didnt judge me...then later in the week when a specific day bothered me...i had not gone to any classes except one...and in that class i was able to release so much...so much more than words and emotions but i released my soul. I was able to just LEAVE my life and "fly away". Within sitting in this class my good friend NIK again was standing with me while i was waiting to take my turn with the combination and he looked at me and just gave me a hug. It was weird because at home...even in capa!...this would not have happened...and like now i dont want to go home.
I dont want to face the truth, i dont want to have to reflect and deal with the fact that my life changed so much and people truely know so little and i wont have a solid foot to stand on.
TODAY WAS THE WORST FUCKING DAY EVER! it started off at 2:30 when eden called me to BREAK UP...and like...well..im not gonna say anything about that...and hten i couldnt sleep and i was laying there thinking god i suck...and it was morning sadly...i went to breakfast and while getting cereal because there was no good fucking food, i noticed just over my left shoulder my old dance teacher..STEPHANIE PLANSKER...standing there..i was like what the fuck god do you hate me...common...and so to not be rude i tapped her on the shoulder and i said hi and i was already dying inside so i didnt say much...she asked me if i was tired and i just said yea and so shes like well we'll talk then later this week when your awake i was like...sure...WTF! now she wants to fucking talk to me..and then i set my tray down to get something to and my fucking tray fell down and got all on my leg and shorts...I YELLED OUT WHAT THE FUCK! AND JUST WANTED TO GO ROLL INTO A BALL...well that was half of my day the rest looked upward i danced my ass off and then i worked hard and got out some emotions...and then tehre was this party thingy...and like i kept getting hit on and told...wow..your hott...your so cute...and shit like that and well it made me forget about how shitty i was feeling so that was nice...and my monkey kept me laughing cause shes litterally the blondest person i know so it was funny. she made it her duty yesterday to get me to smile cause i was pissy all day and wore my sunglasses so people couldnt see my eyes..
well...right now...i am gonna embrace the fact that for the next few days ill know who i am and where i fit in....i am lucky to just have that but i would give anything for this pain to just go away.
~someone elses prince...because a prince needs a princess...and myne left me..and i dont know what to do. |
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| have you ever laid there and just wished...you'd die. |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|11:00 am] |
WELL TO TELL YOU ALL I AM AT CAMP RIGHT NOW. AND YEA. I COME HOME SATURDAY.
SO TO MY OWN FAULT I HAVE RELIZED THAT IN THE LAST 168 HOURS MY LIFE HAS GONE TO HELL. I AM COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. AND AM COMPLETELY SHOCKED AT MY INGORANCE, STUPIDITY, AND JUST FUCKING ABLITY TO FUCKING KILL A RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERED MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING. I THINK I AM GOIN TO GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING. I ALREADY HAVE. SO NO! I HAVE FUCKING LOST EVERYTHING.
i would write more...but...nothing i say or do matters anymore...so goodbye.
~toad. |
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